We are actively trying to have another baby, but we're not really talking about it.
Let me back up. We have been talking about it for months, we're just not really talking about it right now. The discussion around baby #2 started practically before my wife's maternity leave ended. Questions of when and where and how and with what. All the relevant lesbian baby-making questions. We were sure that we wanted a sibling for Yogi. There have been moments when we weren't entirely sure that we wanted to have another baby for ourselves, but the pendulum has always swung back enthusiastically towards yes.
By the time we got pregnant with Yogi we had burned through all but three of our frozen embroys. For those of you who are new around here, we moved pretty quickly from IUI to IVF (great insurance - at the time) and were pregnant with Yogi aftter 1 fresh transfer with 1 embryo and 1 frozen transfer with 1 embryo. He was frozen transfer #2 which we did with 2 embryos.
As of this moment, a few important things are true:
- We have 3 frozen embryos from our initial egg retrieval and fertilization
- We are out of sperm
- Our donor is no longer available
For the last two months my wife has been on estrogen (both pills and patch) and tomorrow she will be going in for a screening ultrasound. If everything looks good, we will be traveling to our old city and our old (fabulous!!!) doctor and lab for a transfer next week. Based on the results of the ultrasound it is entirely possibility that I will be shooting my wife in the tail with progesterone as early as Thursday morning.
The embryo thawing process is a tricky one and it is entirely possible (although I hope not likely) that none of our embryos will make it. If one makes it, we will transfer it. If two make it, we will transfer both. If all three make it I have no idea what we will do. Literally. If no one makes it, we'll go home. That process won't begin until the morning of the transfer, so we'll deal with the news as it comes.
I think we've both been struck dumb with how very much we want this to work and how very much of a long shot we know it is. It's a funny thing for a woman who shares ZERO genetic material with her son to want, but I desperately want Yogi to have a full genetic sibling. It doesn't matter to me, but what if it matters to him? What if he struggles with the not-knowingness and it makes him feel alone or separate? It seems to me that there might be some comfort in having a sibling that is in precisely the same boat. Someone with whom he is entirely related. I want this for him so much that it's impossible for me to even say out loud.
I hope these genetic relationships don't matter to him. I hope he feels as close to me as he does to my wife. I hope he feels like my extended family is his family. But if he doesn't I want to be able to give him this and we only have this one shot. I'm not sure that even makes sense, but it is precisely how I feel.
I guess what I'm saying is this:
- If you pray, please pray for us.
- If you send good vibes, please send good vibes.
- If you think fertile thoughts, please think some on our behalf.