We have a due date. We have a baby. We have a heartbeat. My mind has been totally blown. I wasn't expecting this. The heartbeat I was expecting. I haven't had that nervous, not really sure feeling at all this time around. I was optimistic. I felt certain that the bean was still in there doing whatever it is he needs to do. What I wasn't expecting is that I would spend today in such a fog. I feel like a heart without the protective cover of a body or a mind to interpret anything at all. This morning it was impossible to focus on anything other than our upcoming appointment, but I didn't feel the nervous way that I often do. I didn't feel excited either. I was just aware that the appointment was coming. When we got to the office I couldn't even really chat in a normal way with my wife. All I could think about was the heartbeat and then there it was. Our tiny bean with a small pulsing heart. My wife was busy getting a video with her phone and the RE was talking and explaining things and I was just staring at the screen like it was the only thing in the room. He gave us the picture and we got hugs and congratulations from the staff, which was sweet, but I barely remember any of it. Maybe this is what shock feels like.
on loneliness and a deep, deep well
3 days ago