I am still alive and (mostly) well. Life is good. Monkey is growing and Yogi is fabulous. My wife is sleep-deprived, but as amazing as always. Everyone is eating regular meals and the house has yet to spiral into complete chaos. These are facts that are hard won everyday. This two kid gig is no joke.
And then, of course, there's me.
I am a caretaker, a helper, an advocate for everybody else. These are quite lovely qualities when my life is in balance and I am well. When the world feels topsy-turvy and I can't get a handle on much of anything, all of that loveliness turns ugly. I'm doing everything I can think of to ensure that my people are cared for and happy and when there's extra time, I do things like shower and brush my teeth. I make no time for any kind of self-care (exercising, writing, reading, meditating). After a few weeks of completely ignoring my own self, something very predictable happens. I get pissed.
Nobody likes a martyr.
I'm impossibly tired of this old story. I know I do it, I know it doesn't work and yet if my behavior is any indication (and it always is) I just can't help myself. Feeling sick of your own self is such a dispiriting feeling.
So, I guess this is "hello again". It's been too long. I miss this place. I miss me. Writing gives me the space to think, to slow down, to give all of the good things in my life a moment to dig their roots into my heart. I need this and it's perfectly ok for me to get what I need. It's time to craft a new story for myself. Past time.
So here's to taking care of your own self. One day at a time, right?
6 comments:
I can only imagine how 'put upon' you must feel right now. I know Yogi is still very young, but perhaps you can get a sitter for a 2 hour respite for you and your wife?
I meant Monkey, not Yogi :)
You aren't a martyr! You're a normal person under a lot of personal pressure! Anyone is the world would feel all crumbly on the edges. There is so much promise just outside the edges of your vision that it can't help but filter in faster and brighter. And, that's what we're here for. Talk away! This concludes my It Gets Better message of the day ;)
Strawberry - We're talking pretty seriously about sitters. A little away time would do us both a lot of good.
CountingChickens - Thanks for saying what you did! Your It Gets Better message came at just the right time this afternoon. :)
Oh, dear friend. How familiar this all sounds to me. You are NOT alone in this. Things I like to hear when I'm feeling this way. PLEASE disregard if these are not the things you need to hear. I just thought I'd give them a try. 1. It's MOSTLY okay that your instinct is to prioritize everyone else. You probably don't need as much "me time" as others. You do, however, need some. Can you figure out what your bottom line is? For me, it's a walk every other day. For you, maybe it's five minutes of meditation a day. Whatever it is that will keep you from giving of yourself to the point of resentment. Because honestly, that tiny amount of time will be enough to bring you back to that perfect family of yours with an open, loving heart. 2. These moments do not last. We've survived them before, and we'll survive them again. The anger and frustration - and the shame and bitterness that arise as a result of the anger and frustration - will not stay foremost in your memory. They feel big now because they take up a lot of space in the moment, but they'll soon feel tiny in comparison to the sweetness that's going on around all that ickiness. 3. You're doing great. You really, really are. You're amazing. R.
You guys are the greatest! Thank you, thank you, thank you!
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