Second Trimester is in Sight

Finally!  This morning Bean had her first photo shoot in what feels like forever.  During our last OB appointment we heard the heartbeat, but we didn't get to see anything.  Seeing that tiny little person on the big screen was fabulous.  Arms and legs moving and my wife was quick to point out, a clear nasal bone.  All very, very good news.  Heartbeat at 167 and all measurements in the normal range.

My wife, the one I knew before TTC and pregnancy, also seems to be making appearances at more frequent intervals.  The nausea continues to hang around, but she's sleeping much less and acting shockingly non-hormonal.  This could be too good to be true, but I'm celebrating it while it's here.  Perhaps the whole 2nd trimester will be like this.  Maybe?!

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You Know You Have Great Friends

(who also know Photoshop) when you send them an ultrasound over email and you find this image in your inbox.



It looks like Bean is a cyclist, just like his Mom.  If we see a book in there next time, we'll know his Momma is having a little influence too.

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All Quiet on the Nausea Front

Not much going on around here.  Our first OB appointment went well and Bean looked fabulous.  At our next appointment we will meet with the doctor.  That will be next week.  For now, my wife is just riding the nausea and headache train.  Or hanging on for dear life some days.  Hoping that she will start feeling better soon.

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First OB Appointment on Thursday

This appointment is very much on the brain.  I am chatty and eager about getting to see Bean and while I'm sure my wife feels that way too, she's got worry to go along with it.  I guess it's a hard habit  to break.  I'm sure as she soon as she sees that heartbeat all of that worry will vanish, but she keeps talking about how she hopes Bean is still in there.  I've reminded her that she gets what feels like the flu each night, she hasn't had any bleeding and she spends all day every day in a state of perpetual nausea.  If we're not pregnant, something is seriously wrong.

The practice we've chosen is actually a high risk practice, but in spite of disclosing that we're not high risk they said they had plenty of room for us.  There are two big OB practices in our town and after talking with every recently pregnant and babied person we know, it sounds like the high risk practice is the way to go.  We will be meeting the Nurse practitioner on our first appointment and will only meet with a doctor the next time we are there.

If our last RE appointment is any indication, I know I'll be ga-ga over the ultrasound and may not be thinking clearly.  So, I'm planning ahead and making a list of things I need to remember to ask about.  At the moment, the list is short.  I really don't know how much I don't know.  Any suggestions?

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I Know it’s Early, but This is Fabulous!!

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If Nausea Were an Olympic Sport

my wife would be a gold medalist.  I've never seen anything like this.  None of the remedies seem to help.  Small meals, ginger, wheat crackers in the morning, peppermint tea.  Nothing.  She is queasy green all day everyday.  We are into the 10th week now.  When does this end?

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I Love my Mother-in-Law

This is very random information, but it makes me so happy that I have to share it.

Upon hearing that my parents have gotten dibs on Gran and Pops, my MIL has started thinking about what she wants the baby to call her.  The two of us were discussing this over the weekend.  As our baby will be the first grandchild for either of our parents, this name thing is entirely new ground.

After I shared the Gran and Pops news with her, she was quiet for a while.  I could hear a kind of hmmm sound and then she said something I never expected to hear.

Her - I think I would like to be called some kind of animal name.

Me - An animal name?  Do you mean a pet name?  Like Benji?

Her - No.  An actual name of an animal.  Maybe walrus.

Me - Walrus?

Her - Yeah, maybe so.

I'm fairly certain that Walrus is not her final decision, but it's exciting to think that all of this naming business may not be so straightforward after all.  I'll keep you posted.

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Settling In

It's actually settling in.  This Thursday marks the beginning of the 10th week and we're still pregnant.  Next week we will have our first OB appointment.  We'll meet the nurse practitioner and learn about the practice.  On our next visit, we'll meet with one of the doctors.  What I'm really looking forward to is the ultrasound.  I can't WAIT to see Bean again.

My wife has been feeling pretty yucky.  At first she was feeling the worst (nausea, headache, low energy) in the late afternoon and into the evening, but now the mornings aren't even all that great.  She's handling it all well, but I feel bad for her.  By the time she gets home from work at the end of the day, she's pretty much out of energy.  It's changed the rhythm of our evenings quite a bit.  No more going out to dinner or staying up together much past 9.  Pregnancy definitely changes things.

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Home After a Fun Weekend

We spent the holiday weekend visiting my parents.  There has been strain in our relationship for some time and I have been anxious about this visit for more than a month.  I spent the last week preparing myself for the visit: reminding myself that everyone is responsible for themselves and their emotions, that making sure everyone is comfortable and happy is not my job, that my parents can handle their feelings of rejection when my wife doesn't want to eat all the southern food they want to feed her, that it is ok if my wife is bored by all the sitting around and talking.  My wife was really patient with me as I talked through all of it.  Happily, all the talking and preparing led up to a GREAT visit.

We sent them the video of the heartbeat, so they were really excited about the baby news when we arrived.  My Mom talked a mile a minute the entire weekend which, while exhausting, is a great sign.  Dad had his grumpy moments, but he was at ease for most of the visit.  Although we did make it out to the bookstore, the movies (we saw The Lovely Bones) and dinner at a Thai restaurant, we spent most of the time at home.  The pace was slow,  but quite good.  It was easy and that is fabulous.  Getting on the plane and heading for home I felt like a weight had been lifted.  I have wanted to feel that ease with the four of us together and I finally felt it.  I've always believed that it was possible,  but I didn't really feel it until this weekend.  SO glad that I did.

Oh and they want to be called Gran and Pops.  That's the most important news ;)

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September 2, 2010

We have a due date.  We have a baby.  We have a heartbeat.  My mind has been totally blown.  I wasn't expecting this.  The heartbeat I was expecting.  I haven't had that nervous, not really sure feeling at all this time around.  I was optimistic.  I felt certain that the bean was still in there doing whatever it is he needs to do.  What I wasn't expecting is that I would spend today in such a fog.  I feel like a heart without the protective cover of a body or a mind to interpret anything at all.  This morning it was impossible to focus on anything other than our upcoming appointment, but I didn't feel the nervous way that I often do.  I didn't feel excited either.  I was just aware that the appointment was coming.  When we got to the office I couldn't even really chat in a normal way with  my wife.  All I could think about was the heartbeat and then there it was.  Our tiny bean with a small pulsing heart.  My wife was busy getting a video with her phone and the RE was talking and explaining things and I was just staring at the screen like it was the only thing in the room.  He gave us the picture and we got hugs and congratulations from the staff, which was sweet, but I barely remember any of it.  Maybe this is what shock feels like.

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Five More Days & Book Recommendation Request

I'm not sure when this tendency towards counting down days and waiting might end, but for now I am very aware that in five short days we will hear our babies' heartbeat.  At least, that is what we are hoping to hear.  What we should hear if all is well and I do think that all is well.  My wife is feeling low-grade tired throughout the day, going to bed earlier than usual and reporting vague nausea and headache.  It all sounds good to  me.

In the meantime, I've gotten started with my pregnancy/baby reading.  I've held myself back on this one for months now, but it feels like it's actually time.  At the moment I am reading Naomi Wolf's Misconceptions.  Reading books is one of my primary ways of feeling connected and informed and I'm thinking it may be even more important with this experience given that I am not having the physical experience of pregnancy.  So, if anyone is out there I would LOVE book recommendations.  Anything you've read that you found meaningful or helpful?  Anything to stay away from?  I would love to hear anything you all would be willing to share.

In other news, my wife is thinking about joining me on the blog from time to time.  I am super excited about this, but it does create a problem.  What do we call ourselves?  I know the ladies from http://www.baointheoven.com/ have been recently dealing with this same issue and it's not an easy one.  I don't want the names to be too serious or too silly and I have to be able to type the word with a straight face.  It's not as easy as it seems.  So, I'm thinking.  Working on it.

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Out of Town with the Bean

We headed out-of-town on Sunday afternoon and will be enjoying a slightly warmer climate until our return next weekend.  I've finally gotten the internet situation figured out, so I'm planning to catch up on my blog reading soon.  Vacationing with a newly pregnant woman is definitely different.  No more beer in the afternoon or staying up past about 9:00.  Well, at least for her.

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The Bean has a Gestational Sac!!!!

This morning we got fabulous news at the RE's office.  It took the sonographer awhile to get the view right, but once she did the little tiny sac was clearly there.  It's measuring 5 weeks and 1 day.  We've had so many ultrasounds over  the last few months, but this one was the hardest.  That moment that stretches on and on in which no one is saying anything and I have no idea what I'm looking at.  I think it would be easier if neither of us knew, but my wife is a radiologist so reading ultrasounds is what she does.  I know that as soon as an image appears, she's reading it and I am in the dark until somebody starts talking.  Oh well, it doesn't last long and I should really welcome opportunities to practice patience.  At least that's my reaction today, because we are HAVING A BABY!!!!

I've been thinking that we would get good news this morning, but my good feelings haven't been the best predictor in the past.  My wife has been feeling pretty good physically though and we weren't sure what that might mean.  It's a little sick, but any  time she voices the slightest complaint, I get really excited.  The only symptoms/unusual happenings have been:

• Fairly significant heartburn on Saturday night


• Overall slowdown with her runs.  In the last week, her effort has remained typical and her pace has slowed considerably (almost a min/mile slower)


• Heart palpitations throughout the day on Wednesday

Our next appointment will be in two weeks when we will be listening for the heartbeat.  Man oh man, that is hard to believe.  I don't know how I'll react when I hear that.  I cried this AM about a practically microscopic dot on a screen, so sound is likely to push me right over the edge.  I can't wait.  I can't think of a better way to end the year.

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At Least it’s Not Crack

It has been two days since we've had any official word that the Bean is still with us and optimism continues to reign.  We've had a few oh my jesus moments between us, but we've managed to alternate the zen and anxious roles.  It's important that we not both occupy the anxious role at the same time.  That is when things can get ugly.  But, as I've said things haven't really gotten ugly.  In fact, they've gotten very, very clean.  My wife spent the weekend moonlighting out-of-town (thinking we might need to save for another IVF cycle has really kept her booked with work) and I spent the weekend nesting.  Manically nesting.  Again.

The house is not just clean, it is CLEAN.  Closets organized, pantries and cupboards tidied, refrigerator scrubbed down.  You get the picture.  It was a crazy weekend.  Even the baseboards are gleaming.  As I'm doing these things I acknowledge the freakishness of the impulse, but then I remember the truth.  At least it's not crack.  I may be overzealous with the Comet, but Comet is legal and even advisable.  If I'm going to take something too far it might as well be something that has beneficial outcomes.  Right?!

While it would be fabulous to have another beta right this second and see that number rise and rise, we've got to wait.  No more information until Thursday.  It's almost like a chant.  A nice, soothing chant.  We can do this.  I can do this.  Patience is a virtue and cleanliness is next to godliness.

Yeah.  Right.

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Next Stop: New Years Eve

We talked to the RE this morning and we're scheduled for an ultrasound at 8am on Thursday.  Apparently the next step is to check on the development of the fetal sac.  That news came as a surprise for me.  I was all ready for beta #3, but that's not the direction we're going.  Allrighty.  I'm taking this as good news.  This just gives us extra time with the bean.

This is turning out to be a very holiday-centered cycle.  Perhaps the bean is into celebration.  It would be great to have a fetal sac for New Years Eve.

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We Got a 157 for Christmas!!!!!

The mood is wildly festive around here.  The world is icy and cold and gross, but everything feels warm and perfect at our house.  Neither of us could sleep, so we gave up around 6am.  The icy rain that is forecasted for the day hadn't showed up yet, so my wife got into all of her gear and hit the road for a run.  I settled into the couch with the dog and holiday coffee and finished a book.  The point of all of that is to say that we both did our very favorite morning things and I was hoping this was a good omen.

Our blood draw was scheduled for 1o at the hospital and (bc it was Christmas) we got the perfect parking space.  I decided that too was a good omen.  The draw itself was quick and easy and the nurse was super friendly.  As we were leaving he asked us if we have kids and my wife said that hopefully we would next year.  I added that to my good omen list.  On the way home we dropped cookies off at the homes of a few friends and marveled about the lack of cars on the roads.

Since the blood draw was at the hospital and my wife works at the hospital, we knew that we wouldn't have to wait for the call.  It's not exactly good form, but as soon as the numbers posted to the system we would have access to them.  And as soon as we got home, we did.  There was her name and the numbers 157 right beside it.  Merry Christmas for sure.

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It’s Christmas Eve

and we're pregnant.  I can't conceive (no pun intended) of a better gift than that.  I'm working to stay in the moment without getting too preoccupied about the test tomorrow.  Today we are pregnant.  Given the low number, we must have one embryo that implanted, and for now he's hanging on.  That is what matters.

But (damn the buts), we've been here before.  We got a positive last month with a beta in the 30's that had dropped by the second blood draw.  It could happen again.  Maybe it's even likely, I don't know.

I don't want to feel this way.  I don't want to be worried.  I want to be wildly and ridiculously optimistic.  I want to be one of those people who never saw it coming.  I guess TTC robs you of that.  I know that is dramatic and really, it's not even true.  I've NEVER been that person.  I wasn't even that kind of teenager.  Hell, I wasn't that kind of 8 year old.  I was the kid who was sure I would be caught and thoroughly punished for even the things I didn't do.  A few examples:

• I was positive that I would be arrested for drug possession as a middle schooler bc I shared a locker with a girl I didn't know who seemed a little sketchy.  The assistant DA came to our school to let us know that if it was in our lockers, we were going down for it.  Oh and I say sketchy bc she always told me about how much she wanted to beat me up.  Nice.  I loved middle school.


• I was pretty sure I was going to pregnant and probably get AIDS from my high school boyfriend who I was not having sex with.  He was a virgin and I only gave him hand jobs, but hey..... it could happen.  No?


• I was convinced that the cops would show up if I ever smoked pot (this was BEFORE the paranoia even kicked in) and the first time I did...............the cops showed up!!!  This is 100% true.  I don't know how I got so lucky, but this was in a college dorm and they showed up to respond to something that was going on in a room across the hall.  Still... crazy isn't it?!!


• In spite of making all S's (I think that was the good grade then) in elementary school, I was never sure I was going on to the next grade until I saw that check in the "promoted to the next grade" box.  You just never know.


• I continue to be pretty sure that whatever food kick I am currently in the midst of (right now it's noodles with parmesan and spray butter) is likely to give me cancer.  I'm never sure what kind of cancer I'll get, I just know I'll get it.

If you are wondering if I know how crazy I am, the answer is yes.  I come by it with a little nature (long line of anxiety on both sides of the family) and a little nurture (Mom was diagnosed with cancer they said was terminal when I was in the 4th grade and no one talked about it or told me - she made it through and is still alive).  So, I know all about generalized anxiety disorder and I even take the drugs.  Just imagine if I didn't.....

Ho, ho, ho!!

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