I'm sitting in my office, waiting until it's time to leave for our 3rd u/s appointment. When we started this process and even before when we were in the thinking/hypothetical stages, I have consciously tried to be open to whatever comes. To remember that the universe is unfolding exactly as it should. While I do believe that we are meant to have a child, I understand that I do not get to make the call when it comes to the details. I know that, I really do, but I'm struggling to stay connected to the truth of it this cycle. I REALLY want to grab the play book and MAKE it happen this round. It's an ugly impulse, but it's hard to fight. There are SO many reasons why this try is so important. Yes, most of them are selfish, but they are very much on my mind.
- If we don't get pregnant this time we will have to wait for a significant amount of time. The amount of waiting is still vague, but my wife will be starting a new job in July and while it would be possible to delay her start date to accommodate maternity leave, she is not comfortable with the idea of showing up, working for awhile and then leaving for a few months. It's a work ethic/perception thing and I get it. I'm supportive. She works in a male-dominated field and she wants to have the opportunity to start her career on a foot that she feels steady standing on.
- If we get pregnant in early October, the baby will be due in the summer. This would be perfect as my schedule is flexible in the summer because I can choose not to teach that semester.
- It would also be perfect because it is entirely possible (and even likely) that we will be making a significant move during the summer for my wife's job. She has an opportunity in the town where we live now, but there is an even more compelling opportunity elsewhere. If we had the baby around the time we moved, it would make sense for me to sit out the upcoming 09-10 academic year to be home with the baby and I would have some breathing room to determine WHERE THE HELL I WANT TO GO with my career. Opps.... did I scream that? Yeah.....just a little tense on that front these days.
So all of this fear makes me feel like I am standing at the top of a very slippery slope of selfishness. I'm hanging on for all I'm worth, but it's getting harder to resist the pull.