I've never done a book review on this blog, but I've decided it's time to change all that. If it's as fun as I think it could be, perhaps I'll do more. Anything parenting/childcare related that you've been wanting to read? I'm an excellent reading buddy!
Earlier this year everyone was talking about this book.
From the New York Times and NPR to Stephen Colbert and the Wall Street
Journal, lots of folks were weighing in on this unusual parenting
memoir.When the Tiger Mother brew-ha-ha hit in January I had left my
academic career (in which research related to cultural diversity played a
large role) six months before and was at home with an infant. To say
that I was in the target audience for this book would be like saying
that Chua's critique of what she calls"Western" parenting was scathing.
Um...yeah.
So what was it that got everyone all riled up? Well, first it was the
bold and aggressive voice of the author. Not two pages into the book,
Chua offers a bulleted list of all of the things (attend a sleepover,
get any grade less than an A, watch TV or play computer games) that her
daughters (pictured above - L to R Sophia, the Tiger Mother herself,
Lulu) were never allowed to do. It is evident from the outset that the
author intends to demonstrate and argue for the "rightness" of Chinese
parenting to her (one would assume) largely American audience. What is
less clear is where the author herself truly stands with respect to the
issues and family experiences that she outlines in the book.
It is the story beneath the story that I wonder about. In spite of her
bravado in recounting epic piano practice sessions and seemingly
heartless interactions with her children (she writes on page 103 of her
response to what she believed to be a hastily created birthday card from
Lulu "I don't want this," I said. "I want a better one - one that
you've put some thought and effort into. I have a special box, where I
keep all my cards from you and Sophia, and this one can't go in there.")
there is a note of something like the need for approval in her tone.
As much as she assures the reader that she knows what she's doing and
she's confident that her way is the right way, it sounds like she's reassuring herself.
I enjoy reading memoirs and I especially enjoy reading books written by
people who seem just a bit (how would you say it?) nutty. Battle Hymn of the Tiger Mother
handily meets both of those criteria. So, in spite of the fact that
the writing was fairly academic (read: hum drum) and the story seemed to
wander around in search of itself, I'm glad I read the book and it even
gave me a few interesting things to consider in my own journey as a
parent. The first is that writing a book about what a great parent you
are (while explicitly ridiculing your perception of the dominant
parenting style in the culture in which you're writing) while your
children are in their teens is just asking for trouble. I mean, hasn't
some agent already got those girls under contract for the tell-all
companion Battle Hymn of the Tiger Daughters?
The second (and certainly more serious) take-away from the book came the
10th chapter in which Chua outlines the three big differences between
the mind-sets of Chinese and Western parents.
1. Western parents are extremely anxious about their children's self-esteem.
2. Chinese parents believe that their children owe them everything.
3. Chinese parents believe they know what it best for their children and
therefore override all of their children's own desires and preferences.
I think that this first point is a very valid one. While as a
psychologist (and a human being and a parent) I value the importance
that the development of healthy self-esteem has in the lives of
children, I do not believe that the "every child that fogs the mirror
deserves a blue ribbon" philosophy that seems to be in vogue is one that
is beneficial to anyone. Children understand what is going on around
them and when they are consistently rewarded for behavior that is
average or even sub-standard they begin to lose trust in their
environments. I agree (can you believe it?) with Chua when she asserts
that this approach to parenting and education comes from an assumption
of weakness instead of strength in our children. Here are her words on
the Chinese view of self-esteem:
Chinese parents demand perfect grades because they believe that their
child can get them. If their child doesn't get them, the Chinese
parent assumes it's because the child didn't work hard enough. That's
why the solution to substandard performance is always to excoriate,
punish and shame the child. The Chinese parent believes that their
child will be strong enough to take the shaming and to improve from it.
I'm not going to rally behind the use of shaming, but with that (yes,
considerable) exception there is something that rings true to me in her
thinking here. It seems to me that much of the ethic behind the
over-praising of children is the (perhaps unconscious) assumption that
there is an inherent weakness in children that parents are called upon
to strengthen through support and encouragement. I'm not going to be
arranging my own battle hymn anytime soon, but I do think that Chua is
on to something with this point. Leading with the expectation of
strength (internal resilience, fortitude) in your children is an
inspiring kind of leadership. The kind of thing that nurtures intrinsic
motivation instead of the endless searching for external validation.
So, has anyone else read this? What did you think? Leave a comment and let me know, I'm eager to hear.
3 comments:
I haven't read the book, but the concept of overprotective parenting has been a hot topic of conversation in our house of late. I think, as we count down the weeks to this little guy's arrival, we're talking through a lot of our preconceived notions, wild speculations, and all-around pet peeves concerning parenthood. I do think it's important to set expectations high (but to be sure to provide the tools, resources, and support necessary to achieve those expectations). And I do think it's important that kids be taught the value of being a good loser and of failing from time to time. They will certainly fail in the world sometimes and god knows that folks' out there won't praise and mollify them like many parents I know. That said, I think that impressing all of these strict rules and regulations that Chua defends is just asking for trouble over time.
I've been reading about the "Taking Children Seriously" movement lately. And while it might be out of touch on a lot of points (really, I shouldn't make my children brush their teeth, go to bed, or stop eating gallons of sugar?), their overarching philosophy that coercive parenting strips a child's developmental ability to become inherently rational in their own thought process does ring true.
So how do we, as conscientious parents, balance the desire to actively and assertively parent our children toward high expectations with the desire to take a more laissez-faire approach in allowing them room for self-discovery with trial and error?
Yogi's 15 months now; surely you have all of the answers!! ;-)
.jlg.
I haven't read that book (nor will I), and I do believe some of her views are way harsh, but more recently I have stopped congratulating Curly on simple/average/sub-average things that he does. lol. He'll snap together a few blocks and bring it to me for approval and instead of saying 'wow! what a tall tower- great job!' like I used to, I'm all 'uh huh, what else can you make?' so yeah, I get that part of it. He's got to work a little harder these days.
I read this book a few months ago, and I have a terrible memory so I don't recall any of the details. What I do remember is that I loved the writing. Much of it was laugh out loud funny to me. I think that I assumed that the author wasn't exactly taking herself seriously, that there was always an acknowledgement of her own level of crazy (and aren't we all a little crazy in our own ways). When I read the book I read some flexibility and willingness to reflect with forgiveness upon one's own flaws and how they play out in family life.
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