Shake, Rattle & Roll

One thing that will be a welcome change when Monkey arrives is that I will have a relatively passive person to diaper.  It has been quite some time since I've experienced a diaper change that felt like something other than the capture of a wild animal.  

It's about perspective, right?

So, I've mentioned in previous months that Yogi believes my request that he stop playing long enough to be changed to be completely unreasonable.  I've tried (per your suggestion) to diaper him standing up, but I'm not anywhere near coordinated enough for that.  

That leaves me with one strategy - NEVER STOP PLAYING!  See Yogi, Mama does listen. ;)

What we do now (that actually works) is play on the changing table.  When it's time for a change I usually ask Yogi to pick a book from the bookshelf and he settles in for a quick story.  It works best if I ask him questions ("Can you find the apple?  Show Mama the bunny."), but it's pretty foolproof.  The boy loves to read and it's a great distraction.

I'm telling you this story today because yesterday we had a game changer.  Yogi's tambourine was lying on the bookshelf and when it came time for the diaper change he picked it up.  He shake, rattle and rolled his way through the diaper change and this morning when I asked him to pick a book, he dug through his toy chest until he found what he wanted.  The tambourine.  

When he was a newborn and diaper changes were significantly stimulating enough to be considered an activity in his day, I never dreamed of this. 

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We Can Do This. Right?!

It happened this weekend.  After months of relative calm, it hit.  Right between the eyes.

In only four months there will be two children under the age of two living in our house.  Not only will they be living here, they will be under our care.

I think it has something to do with all the new babies in blogland, but I've been doing a lot of thinking about life with a newborn lately and I can't tell you that that thinking has left me feeling anything but overwhelmed.

I know, I know, this is hardly a surprise.  We painstakingly planned this and we're thrilled for all that is to come, but we had a moment this weekend.  More than one moment actually.  The kind of moment in which the dog is whining and the Yogi is pointing aggressively into the kitchen while chanting "bapple, bapple" on an endless loop and with escalating volume and you just cleaned up from lunch (which you didn't get to eat) and you haven't slept for more than four consecutive hours a night during the last week (WHAT is going on?!!) and all you want is for everyone to just.leave.you.alone and it hits you that for some reason you decided to do this again.

There were tears.

Happily the sun is shining today and for an unknown reason that has nothing whatsoever to do with getting lots of sleep last night, the world feels a bit brighter. 

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Creating an On-Purpose Life

I'm preoccupied with purpose. You might even say I'm consumed. It's been brewing for quite some time (likely around the time I decided to leave academia and stay home with Yogi), but it has really launched into fever pitch since the new year began.

At 25 days into 2012, I have spent the bulk (maybe ALL?) of my non-Yogi, non-wife, non-task driven time thinking about this question of purpose.

What am I here to do?

How should I prepare myself for what comes next?

How am I using what I've got to contribute to something meaningful?

Being home with Yogi and nurturing my family was and is a decision that's all about purpose. I spent years (and I do mean YEARS) preparing for the career I left to stay home and the decision wasn't an easy one. It was scary to take such a risk (what if I couldn't get back in the game?), but at a certain point it was clear. There is no other way to say it. I thought and thought and prayed and meditated and prayed and talked endlessly with my wife and then there it was. The answer.

I would hop off the career track and stay home with the baby.

It was right for my family.

It was right for me.

I'm not sure who it was that said it, but I love the idea of living life on purpose. It is a kind of inner-directed purpose that has driven every major decision in my life. Again and again I have followed this pattern of being faced with the question of what to do next, turning it over and over and over in my mind and then suddenly (poof!) the answer just comes.

It doesn't come when I call it, but it does come and when it does, everything is clear. Just like that. I know what I'm meant to do and I move forward trusting deeply in the rightness of it. I'm telling you this because I haven't gotten to the clarity with this one yet . I'm probably not even close. Here's what I know for sure so far:

I won't be home forever. Yogi and Monkey will go to pre-school and then onto regular school and I will have increasingly empty spaces in my day.

Bringing actual money into this house would (in spite of all I know about the value I am bringing now) feel fabulous. I like to pitch in and do my part and making a financial contribution is very safe space for me. The fact that I am emotionally capable of allowing my wife to shoulder the financial burden for our family is one of the most significant statements of the degree of trust and safety I have in this relationship. It's a big deal. I'm totally weird about money.

I want to find (create?) work that will allow me significant flexibility. Not only am I impossibly independent and off the charts on “need for autonomy”, but I have kids. I would love to be home after school and available for meetings and field trips and whatever it is that happens at school.

I want to write something that lots of people will read. Something that is meaningful and maybe even useful. Something that has to do with families like ours.

STRANGE REAL-TIME INTERRUPTION

I am writing this in a coffee shop and was pausing after that last sentence when I started tuning into the conversation at the next table. Beside me is a maybe 8 year old girl with her father. They have been working on what looks like some kind of school assignment for the last little bit. I just realized that the little girl is reading a passage over and over and this is what it is:

Ask, and it shall be given you

Seek, and ye shall find

Knock, and it shall be opened unto you

Now they are discussing it. How crazy is that?!!!

BACK TO THE ACTUAL POST

The trouble is that I'm not sure what that looks like yet.  What form it might take.  I'm wrestling with it and although whatever change comes will be a few years off, I want to be ready for it.  I like to be prepared, to have the ground work all laid out.

But.... I'm not there yet.  For now, I'm just making myself available for what comes.  I guess what I'm doing is asking and seeking and knocking. That sounds pretty zen, doesn't it?  Only because you can't hear my fingers tapping on the table beside the keyboard.

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3 Things You Should Know: The Busy Parents Guide to NurtureShock

You’ve probably heard about this book.  

It’s  been called “One of the most important books you‘ll read this year” by none other than Daniel H. Pink (great name!).  

In case you haven’t found the time to wade through the 239 pages of text, I’ve got your back.  What follows is a guide to three of the key take-away messages from the book.*

All That Praise Isn’t Telling Our Children What We Think It Is

When we say things like “Way to go honey, you’re so smart!” we think we’re bolstering our child’s all-important self-esteem, but what we’re really telling them is “It’s important to look smart.  Better not take a risk, you don’t want to look stupid.”  

Bronson and Merryman’s research suggests that it is much more beneficial to praise your child’s effort, as effort is a variable over which we have control.  A kid can work harder if they choose to, but there’s not much to be done if you want to be “smarter”.

All of this is not to say that we shouldn’t praise our children, but that we should follow a handful of important pieces of advice when we do:

Be specific - Telling your child how much you appreciate their willingness to clean up their toys is much more instructive and meaningful than telling them what a good boy/girl they are.

Be sincere - Children know when they’re being put on.  Empty praise can backfire.  Psych research suggests that by the time kids get to high school they are so accustomed to praise that they perceive criticism to be a better indicator of a teacher’s belief in their ability. 

Don’t over-do it - Over praising can actually erode your child’s intrinsic motivation.  One of my high school teachers called this phenomenon “jumping for yummies”.  When you receive praise for every move you make, you become dependent on it and you lose touch with the intrinsic joy of doing something for the thing itself.

Choosing Not to Talk about Race Sends its’ own Message and it’s Not the one You Think

Race makes people uncomfortable.  

Talking with their own kids about race seems to make most people really uncomfortable.  

However, kids intuitively understand that when we don’t talk about something, that something is usually bad.  This intuition combined with the child’s developmental tendency to attend carefully to differences of all kinds and categorize accordingly, means that when we pretend to be color blind our kids draw their own conclusions.  

Making vague statements such as “Everybody’s equal” is not concrete enough to be understandable for young children.  If we want our children to dwell comfortably in a diverse world, we need to talk explicitly about differences.  

When your five-year old declares boldly in the grocery line that “Brown people are from Africa!” she is sharing something that she’s learned.  Grabbing her hand, going red in the face and attempting to distract her with the candy display teaches her something else and it’s probably not the message that you would choose.

Sleep Isn‘t Just for the Weak

Children get an hour less sleep a night than they did thirty years ago.  

An hour doesn’t sound like a big deal, does it?  A lost hour of sleep is something that adults can manage with relative ease, but it is a different matter for children.  

Children spend a greater proportion of their sleep storing and organizing memories than adults.  The more children learn during the day, the more sleep they need at night.  Without that sleep, their brains are less likely to store the new information.  It is for this reason, that one scientist declared that 

“Sleep disorders can impair children’s IQ as much as lead exposure.”  

That's a pretty bold statement.

As much as we want to cram as much as we can into each day, emerging brain science indicates that protecting our child’s sleep is one of the best ways to prepare them for the future.  




Want to read more?  Check out the website!

* Some of the other topics include lying, sibling friction, language development, teen rebellion and the utility of kindergarten entrance tests.  They are also interesting and practically useful and perhaps I'll write about them later.  For now, I'm too tired from all of my Rabbit anticipation** to delve any deeper.  ;)

** He's HERE and you must go over and see the picture!  You can find the loveliness here.  You're welcome.

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Three People are Falling in Love

It's very early in the morning and I am abusing the refresh function on my browser.  Why?  Because these lovely ladies are having a baby!!!  In fact, they might have already had the baby!  I have no idea actually, but I'm sure that I'm excited about it. 

In the midst of what I imagine to be a snowy landscape, one small Rabbit is making his way into the world.  I can.not wait to hear what his Mommies have to say about him!  Since reading R's labor update post yesterday it's been hard for me to think of anything else.  It is f.r.e.e.z.i.n.g. at my house but I'm totally warmed knowing that somewhere in the Midwest, three people are falling in love.

If you too would like to follow along, check in on their blog .breaking into blossom. and send them whatever baby love you've got in you.

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Injustice Anywhere is a Threat to Justice Everywhere

Today I am grateful. 

It is cold and rainy and my wife will be on call at the hospital all night, but it's a good day.  A day for remembering that love and commitment and an unwavering belief in what you know is right, actually can change the world. 

Martin Luther King, Jr's life and message didn't drive out all of the darkness, but it made a difference.  A big difference. 

At 17 months, Yogi isn't quite ready for the story of the civil rights movement, but I'm eager to fill him in.  Maybe next year he'll be up for it.  There are lots of events around town and I've got them on the calendar for next year.  I think it's important.  I want him to know that there are all sorts of people who helped to make his family possible and the Rev. Martin Luther King, Jr. was one of them.

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The Terrible Twos

No, not Yogi.

I'm talking about this blog.  It's 2 years and 5 months old.  Can you believe it?!!

When I started writing in August of 2009, I needed an outlet.  I needed a place to talk about TTC - what it felt like, how scary and expensive and disappointing it could be.  Those weren't things that I wanted to talk about out loud, but I did want to talk about them.  I needed to talk about them.

What I found when I started writing was that there was a community of us!  Brave, honest, smart and thoughtful women (and some men ;) )creating families and sharing their stories with each other.  Instead of laughing or crying or eating too many cookies all by myself, I got to do it with all of you and that continues to be a blessing.

In case I haven't said it out loud, "Thank you!". 

Thank you for cheering us on and sharing in our excitement and crossing your fingers and telling me my baby is cute and offering suggestions when I've needed them and well, for reading.  And thanks for sharing your stories as well; in the comments and by email and in your own blogs.  It feels good to be part of a tribe and this is a mighty fine one.  

So, why did I mention the Terrible Twos?

Love Invents Us is going through some growing pains.  I'm not preparing to launch into a tantrum, but I have been thinking a lot lately about how I want to use this space.  

As I mentioned earlier, I initially started this blog for very specific reasons.  I wanted a place to capture all of the waiting and wondering and worrying of TTC and a blog seemed like a good fit.  Then when we got pregnant later that year, I wrote to chronicle the adventure of pregnancy.  Nine months after that we had Yogi and I wrote about his infancy and all the ways our lives were changing and how we fell in love with our boy.  

Now we have a toddler and another one on the way.  I'm no longer a psychology professor, but a Stay-at-Home Mom.  This time next year I will have two children under the age of three.  Life is changing as it always does.

So.... how is Love Invents Us changing?

I don't have the answer to that question just yet, but I'm working on it.  Part of that is wondering about you, the readers.  The other members of this tribe.

• Why do you read Love Invents Us?  What keeps you reading?
• What would you like more of (anecdotes, book reviews, pictures, recipes, something else entirely)?
• Less of?
• What kind of information/stories/resources do you think lesbian Moms need that they aren't getting?

I would love to know your thoughts on any/all of these questions. 

I know I'm asking a lot of you here, but my birthday is coming up, so you can think of it as an early birthday present. ;) 

Reply in the comments or send an email (loveinventsus@gmail).

Thanks!

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At (Embarrasingly) Long Last

A great big thank you to Jessica at The Spaces in Between for our lovely new reindeer!  He is beautifully felted and adorably cute.  Now that it's January, he is packed safely in our Christmas box and I'm looking forward to seeing him next year.  

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Favorites at 16 Months

Pointing

Yogi spends much of his day running at top speed with his pointer finger leading the way.  When something (anything) catches his eye, he absolutely must charge towards it.  During the rare moments when we’re carrying him, he points and points and chatters away about whatever it is he’s pointing at.

Words

We’ve got words these days, but they are primarily of the “best understood by the parents” variety.  His clearest words are “Mama”, “Banana”, “Ball”, “Bubble“, “Turtle” (oddly) and “Car”.  In the last few days he’s started saying “Mommy” as well.  He also says “Choo, Choo” whenever he’s playing with his trains or pushing the laundry basket around. 

Shouting “Car! Car!”

The boy loves a car.  Whenever he sees one (in a parking lot, driving by the window while he’s eating breakfast, at the carwash AKA Mecca) he shouts “Car! Car!” at the top of his voice, while squealing and (of course) pointing. 

Helping with the Groceries

When I carry the groceries in from the car I now pick something smallish out of the bag and let Yogi carry it in.  He LOVES this.  After doing it a few times, he now stands by the trunk and waits expectantly for his part of the load.  It takes him awhile to make his way to the kitchen, but he looks so proud of himself when he gets there.  I’ve also started setting the bags on the floor and letting him help me unpack them. 

Letting Me Know that He Knows

In the middle of doing something routine (feeding the dog, sweeping the floor) Yogi uses his pointing skills (again with the pointing I know, but this is a big thing at the moment) to show me what comes next.  Walking back from the sink with Baker’s water bowl, I am sure to find Yogi pointing enthusiastically to the spot on the floor where the bowl goes.

Goodnight Mama! Hugs

My very most favorite thing is a new addition to the bedtime routine.  When my wife asks Yogi if he’s ready for stories, he gets excited and rushes into his bedroom with her to get lovey.  As soon as he’s got lovey he comes running out and I kneel on the floor and say “Hugs for Mama!” and he barrels towards me to deliver the sweetest, snuggliest hug.

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The Shape of My Days with Yogi at 17 Months

I’m such a creature of habit that every time we settle into a new groove that seems to hold for more than a few days, I’m over the moon.  We’ve been in this particular groove long enough to create a record of it.

5:00 - Mama Wake-Up

I’ve started setting my alarm for crazy early because this is the only time of day that I can reliably get to myself.  It’s just me, my coffee, a book and my laptop.

6:30ish - Yogi Wake-Up

Although he occasionally shows signs that he notices its’ absence there is no warm bottle when Yogi wakes up these days.  There are lots of snuggles though.  Most of the time he wakes up happy and chatty, but there are mornings that begin much earlier (5ish) and with tears.  Snuggles are better.

7:00 - Breakfast

The boy is still eating his super porridge each morning, now with a side of milk in the sippy cup.  Four mornings a week he also gets a hard-boiled egg yolk stirred in.  I jazz things up with banana and occasionally blueberries, which Yogi calls “bee-bees”.  Last week we got him a new high chair that pushes right up to the table allowing him to eat with his bowl on the table sans tray. 

8:00 - Getting Ready for the Day

Getting dressed seems to get more challenging every day.  Gone is the baby who would lay (mostly still) on the changing table and allow his clothes (and diaper for that matter) to be changed without a whole lot of trouble.  These days the changing table is a no go for wardrobe change.  After making a choice between two shirt options (I think this is fun and he loves to point to his choice - if there is a car on one of them, that will be the winner) I unzip his pj’s and he walks them over to the hamper and tosses them in.  In between playing with toys, I manage to get on a shirt, some pants and a pair of socks.  This usually takes somewhere between five and fifteen minutes.

8:00 - Heading out of the House

The day seems to go better when we get out of the house bright and early.  On school days (Tuesday and Thursday) we head for school and on Mondays, Wednesdays and Fridays we typically go to one of the following places:

Story Time at the library
Play date at a friend’s house
Grocery shopping

11:30 - Lunch

Another change in the meal routine is that Yogi finally has his own stool that allows him to stand in front of the sink and wash his hands without being dangled.  Unfortunately this does not mean that he enjoys washing his hands, but we’re doing what we can.  We’ve got the stool and we sing songs and try not be frustrated and I guess that’s all we can do.  I’ve mentioned that he’s now eating from his own plate, but I continue to be wowed by it.  Things like yogurt that have to be spooned are still fed by us most of the time, but he likes to do a few of the spoonfuls himself and he’s surprisingly coordinated.

11:45 - Stories and Wind-Down

By the time lunch is complete and everything has been cleaned up, Yogi is ready to go upstairs for nap.  He takes the stairs on his own these days and when he gets to the top he marches straight to his crib and points for his lovey and paci.  We are still using the paci at nap, but we’ve been talking lately about breaking that bond.  Anyone have tips?  I’m thinking cold turkey is the way to go, but would love to hear from you if you’ve been there, done that.

We do a diaper change and then pick two books to read in his rocking chair.  He’s gotten bossy about which book we start with and there are some days when he doesn’t care about reading at all.  If he gets fidgety while we rock, I tell him that he can snuggle or get in the crib and he is able to let me know very clearly which choice he prefers.

Noon - Nap

I use nap time to eat lunch, check email and do whatever chores needs to be done around the house.  Trying to clean the bathrooms/mop the floors/sweep/dust with Yogi has become an increasingly bad idea.  He prefers to be right.in.the.middle of everything I do and I prefer not to spend any more time than I have to in the service of housework, so I‘ve shifted these tasks to nap time.  I’ve also been cutting reality TV out of my nap-time routine and not only do I feel less ridiculous, but I’ve been getting more done.  Go me!

2:00 - Afternoon Playtime

We usually spend this time at home doing something like:

Going for a walk with the dog
Playing outside in the yard or at the neighborhood park
Playing with toys in our play area

4:15 - Preparing for Dinner

Keeping Yogi entertained while I cook is not always easy.  He now understands what I am doing and that dinner will be coming soon and he usually starts rubbing his belly (which he believes to be the sign for “please”) feverishly.  I hold him off with milk and bites of banana.

5:00 - Mommy’s Home and Dinnertime

When Mommy gets home, it’s time for dinner.  I usually have the food ready to go and when my wife gets home she feeds him while I clean up the kitchen.  Dealing with the dog is a big hurdle at this time of day as he gets excited about the fact that everybody is home and he gets VERY excited about Yogi’s dinner.  Recently Yogi has begun finding it quite fun to share his food with Baker which nobody (well except the two of them) likes.  We’re working on keeping him in a stay in the living room while Yogi eats and that’s working pretty well.

6:00 - Bath Time

After dinner and Mommy playtime it’s time for Tub.  The boy still loves the water and he is a huge splasher.  I’m usually buzzing around the house while all of this is going on, but it’s fun to pop in and watch the two of them together.

7:00 - Yogi Bed Time

My wife still does bed time, but now Yogi gives me a HUGE goodnight hug while saying “Ba, Ba!” before the two of them head for his bedroom.  I LOVE it.  She reads him a few books and they snuggle and nurse a bit before she puts him in the crib.

7:30 - Mommy and Mama Time

When my wife comes downstairs with the monitor we sit down to eat dinner.  Afterwards we usually watch something on TV (we’re totally into Lie to Me at the moment) before heading upstairs for reading/talking/adult time.

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Savoring a Quiet House

Yogi went back to school this morning.  For the first time since mid-December we were dressed, packed (with


Lunch in school approved container
Milk
3 diapers with "Yogi" written in my hasty hand
Complete change of clothes
Lovey and pacifier (for nap)
Happy Nappy - 


yes that is it's actual trade name), and in the car by 8:45.  Fifteen minutes later I was home.


All.by.myself.


The bliss of it was overpowering.  I plugged my (audio - obviously) book into the speakers and listened to something of my very own choosing while I prepared a simple breakfast.  Scrambled eggs with salsa and a thick, buttered slice of sourdough bread warm and crisp from the toaster.  I sat down (!!!) in an actual chair and ate at my very own pace.  Chewing and sipping my coffee and listening to a story unfold all around me.  The whole thing lasted no more than twenty minutes, but they were mine and mine alone. 


This is what has been the most challenging for me about staying at home.  I love Yogi and I love my wife and I can think of no one whom I would rather spend time with, but sometimes I make my own best company.


I have a lot of practice.


I was 32 years old when Yogi arrived and I had spent the vast majority of those years with myself as my own primary side-kick.  


I'm an only child
I've never enjoyed a crowd
I'm quiet and bookish
I favor small, intimate groups


There are all sorts of reasons I suppose, but all of them get back to one, simple truth.


Sometimes it's wonderful to be alone.

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Starting the New Year on a Fabulous Foot!

Do you see what I see in the picture above?  It is hard to believe (for me at least), but that is Yogi eating with a spoon from a real bowl, milk sippy at the ready.

Go Yogi go!

Over the break we manged to make a handful of big boy changes in the meal department.  I think that the topsy-turvy nature of daily rhythms during the holidays was the perfect catalyst.

Here's what's new:

No more morning bottle! We had been limping along for the last few months with that one.last.bottle that we couldn't imagine HOW we were going to get rid of.  Yogi LOVES that bottle.  It's the very first thing that happens in the morning after the diaper change.  How did we do it?  My wife just hurried him downstairs one morning and went straight for breakfast.  She made a big deal of putting a bunch of his favorite fruit (at the moment - blueberries) in the porridge and by the time he was busy eating he accepted her offer of milk from the sippy without the more typical pushing away while chanting "na, na. na".  The next morning we did it again and on and on and on.  There has been a little whining on some mornings, but we're making it.  I am thrilled to enter 2012 with bottles tucked away in the attic awaiting Monkey.

Eating from a plate.  We have tried introducing a plate before, but until this break it was an epic fail.  Yogi didn't seem to understand that the plate was anything but something to play with.  I'm not sure what clicked, but this time when we put his food on the plate he understood that he should eat from it.  Eureka!  Now the little guy eats with his chair pushed up to the table from his very own plate.

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Happy 2012!!!

After twelve days of house guests and holiday travel and general upheaval (the good kind, but still) I am VERY happy to be home.  Here's to good things in the new year!

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